Dear men: Here are 5 things you can do to support your wife or girlfriend in a sexist world

Dear men: Here are 5 things you can do to support your wife or girlfriend in a sexist world

Written by Jessica Eaton

06/04/2019

 Content warning for discussion of sex, porn, violence and misogyny 

This blog is for all of the men who love women, who are in relationships with women they respect and care about. You see, being a decent bloke to your wife or girlfriend is great and all, but the woman you love lives in a society that is inherently sexist and misogynistic.

She lives in the same world as you, but the world doesn’t treat her the same way it treats you. That’s why I’ve put together some things you can do to support her in a society that hates her for being a woman.

Actually, before I start with the things you can do to support her, take a few moments to think about this. Were you really aware that the woman you love lives in such a misogynistic world? Have you noticed the way she is spoken to? The way she is treated? Has she ever told you about the way other men have treated her? The way she is talked over and ignored? The way the builders wolf-whistled her at 12 years old? The way she picks different routes home from work to stay safe? The way she texts her best friends to check they ‘get home safe’?

If you respect her and care for her, she is with you because she can feel that. However, her trust and love for you does not stop her from being oppressed, discriminated against and harassed out there in the world.

Here are some things you can do to support her in a sexist world:

1. Believe in and educate yourself about misogyny

If you love her, care about her and respect her – you need to make sure your eyes and ears are open to the misogyny and sexism she is battling every single day. Don’t convince yourself that sexism is over, and that women are treated as equals in society. Learn about the global oppression of women. Look around you and consider the way women are objectified, hypersexualised, discriminated against and blamed. Watch the way other men treat women around them. Listen to the way your peers talk about women and girls. Consider how many notions of ‘not being manly enough’ are based on the stereotypes of women. Have you ever been told not to cry like a girl? Been told to ‘stop being a woman’? Been called a ‘pussy’ for being scared? Been told you run or throw ‘like a girl’? Heard a man calling another man a ‘little bitch’? Have you ever noticed how many slurs are female?

Notice these aggressions all around you. Imagine what it is like to be the woman you love in a world in which being a woman is the worst thing you can be, and that’s why all the male slurs are about humiliating men for acting like a woman. The woman you love is being held up as an example of what men should never be. Think about that.

2. Don’t ‘not all men’ her when she tells you about the way a guy has treated her

I know its tempting or can even make you feel offended or defensive, but when she is talking about men treating her like shit, or the time she was assaulted, or her friend being raped – she does NOT need to hear you say ‘Yeah, but not all men are like that, babe.’

She already knows that. That’s why she’s with you.

So please, don’t tell her what she already knows. She knows not all men are rapists or abusers or wife beaters or paedophiles. She knows. But that doesn’t take away from what she is saying.

Lots of men feel personally attacked when women talk about male violence, but as long as you are not one of those men who are committing it, minimising it or encouraging it, then this isn’t about you. Listen to her, care about her view and her experiences. Condemn what the other man did to hurt her or hurt someone she knew.

Remember that she is in a relationship with you because she cares about, respects and loves you. That means she can sit and rage about the way some footballer is getting away with raping women and the women are being blamed – and it’s not about you. She doesn’t think it’s ‘all men’.

3. Do not stand by and allow men to disrespect her

Now obviously, as a man who loves and cares for your wife and girlfriend; I already know you wouldn’t let someone hurt or threaten her. But what about the microagressions she faces every day?

What about the way the man at the car garage won’t listen to her about there being something wrong with her car because she’s just a woman? Or the way the estate agent talks to you as you walk around a house viewing, as if your partner isn’t even there? Or the way your mates joke that you are a ‘walking bank’ and she’s probably out right now rinsing your credit cards? Or the way your family tell the women to get back in the kitchen and make the food? Or the way the bank manager only makes eye contact with you whilst talking about your joint mortgage?

These examples might sound small and petty but imagine being on the receiving end of them.

Imagine being side-lined, ignored and mocked like this. Furthermore, imagine a man treating her like this or talking to her like this, whilst you stand by, completely oblivious to how she is being made to feel.

Imagine the mechanic only speaking to her, because you are too stupid to understand. Imagine being shown around your new house by an agent who only ever asks her about the house, the mortgage and the deposit – because it can’t possibly be you with the money or the authority to rent or buy a house. Imagine her friends joking that you live off her money and you are some wasteman who uses up all her credit cards. Imagine going to the bank to discuss the mortgage and the bank manager literally ignoring your existence and only talking to your wife or girlfriend, because they assume she is the only one who understands and the only one making the money.

That’s what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this constant disrespect.

When you live in a sexist world, even if you respect and care about a woman – it doesn’t mean other men around you respect her. Lots of men around you will assume you have the same lack of respect for women as they do.

When these things happen to her, say something. You don’t have to be aggressive or confrontational, but don’t stand there and allow her to be disrespected by other men.

All it takes is a swift ‘Well, this is a joint decision so my partner needs this information too’ or ‘Why don’t you ask my wife what she thinks?’ or ‘Would you speak to her that way if she was a man?’ or ‘Actually, I agree with her, she’s right’ or ‘My girlfriend does not sponge off me, she makes her own money.’

Deliberately bring her into the conversation and keep referring back to her, to reposition her in the conversation.

4. For the love of women everywhere, please stop expecting her to act out things you saw in porn

It’s a slap in the face for a lot of people to realise that porn is misogynistic and sexist. It represents the true derogation, humiliation and objectification of women. If you’re a guy who watches porn and has maybe been watching it for 5, 10, 15 or maybe more than 20 years – you will notice how much more violent and degrading it has gotten.

The days of ‘the plumber who came to fix the pipe under the sink and then ended up having sex with the woman over the dining table’ have gone, my friends. Long gone. Now we have women being violently penetrated by groups of men. Women being beaten, strangled, hit, kicked, slapped, spat on, shouted at and called names. Women being forced to commit disgusting acts that no woman you love will ever want to copy. Women being fed drugs before, during and after porn shoots so they are so high they can’t feel the hours of pain that is required for these shoots. Women suffering internal injuries and irreparable anal prolapse because, guess what, the ass is not for sex.

The reality is, men in power are making porn that frames women in this way – and then men and boys think that is normal sex. Those of you who have had sex with women will know that real life sex is absolutely nothing like porn sex. And you need to remember that.

Two stories that might make you rethink this issue:

  1. My friend is a GP who reckons she now sees about 4-5 women with ‘fisting injuries’ per month from men who have tried to copy fisting from porn and have caused extremely serious tears in women’s vaginas. This is NOT okay. This is NOT healthy experimentation. Stop trying to copy porn. Porn is not real sex.
  2. My other friend is a therapist who sees men and boys who have watched so much unrealistic porn, that they can no longer get an erection or have sex with women they fancy. Some of those men say that the only way they can ejaculate is if they are having sex with their partner and watching porn on the laptop at the same time, next to them. She recently saw a guy who has a girlfriend that he really loves, but he just cannot get aroused by her healthy, natural body – because her body looks nothing like the women in porn. This is also NOT okay. This is the way men and boys are being manipulated by porn. These effects are seen in boys from the age of 14 years old. Think about that.

Porn, unfortunately, is not the harmless bit of fun it is made out to be. In fact, just take a few minutes to think about the things you thought women liked because you saw it in porn, only to be told by a woman in real life to stop it, that it hurt, that she didn’t want to do that or that she physically could not copy that from porn.

5. Challenge your peers when they are abusing, disrespecting or harming women

Women and girls have been trying to challenge men and boys for decades, but they are not the sex that holds the most authority and power in society. When women and girls stand up and challenge men and boys, they are often laughed at, ignored or shouted down.

However, when men start challenging each other and holding each other to account, shit will change.

You might be the good guy who has never hurt a woman, but do you laugh along with your mates whilst they tell rape jokes or call a woman they know a ‘fat slag’? Do you quietly shake your head when your mate chats up a woman who keeps telling him she is not interested? Do you intervene when you think your brother is abusing his girlfriend? Do you stop in the street to ask if a woman needs help when her drunk husband is yelling at her and the kids? Do you report your boss for treating your female colleagues like tea-maids?

Please, SAY SOMETHING.

Women who stand up and defend or protect themselves often fear repercussions or actual threats of violence. Women you know will tell you how dangerous it can be to tell a bloke you’re not interested in him, especially considering how many of them will turn on you at that point. Women who speak up at work against a sexist boss will probably find themselves fired or bullied to the point of resignation.

Showing support and challenging the misogynistic world we all live in doesn’t end with your own girlfriend or wife. What about the way your sisters, friends, mum, daughters, cousins, aunts, nieces and grandmothers are treated in the world? What about the way your female colleagues are treated at work?

Again, you don’t have to aggressively stop a man, but you can challenge him, talk to him, report him or find a way to protect the woman you are worried about. And if a woman discloses to you, listen to her and believe her.

If you see a man you know abusing his partner, threatening her, coercing her, manipulating her, bullying her, assaulting her or gaslighting her – please consider saying something or doing something. Don’t leave her to struggle on her own. Don’t stand by in silence. Don’t watch it happen whilst thinking, ‘It’s none of my business’.

If you have a mate who laughs as he says he has never done a single nappy for his baby because it’s ‘woman’s work’ – laugh at him and tell him he’s a father and he needs to sort his shit out.

If your brother can’t take no for an answer and is pestering the woman at the bar for the second time this evening, move him away from her and tell him she’s not interested.

If you have a boss at work who listens to the ideas of the men but seems to think women are naïve or stupid, keep highlighting the good work of your female colleagues and ALWAYS say when a good idea was from one of the women in the team. If you can sense a female colleague is being overlooked, simply say, ‘Have you thought about asking Maya? She’s really good at that, you know.’

Never allow men in your team to take the work or ideas from a woman and claim them as their own. And when a guy repeats the exact same thing a woman just said, literally say ‘Isn’t that what Amy just said? Didn’t she just say the exact same thing?’

Finally, one thing to everyone reading this. Please don’t use the comments under this blog to bring women down further – or to ridicule the men who care about women, sexism or misogyny. If anything, if you want to leave a comment, why don’t you suggest more ways that men can stand up for the women in their lives and challenge the misogyny we live in every single day?

If my ten-year-old son can recognise sexism and say to the guy at Volkswagen, ‘You wouldn’t talk to my Dad like that…’; then I firmly believe that men and boys can be encouraged to step in and challenge male violence and misogyny when they see it.

Written by Jessica Eaton

Founder of www.victimfocus.org.uk

Email: Jessica@victimfocus.org.uk

Tweet: @JessicaE13Eaton

105 thoughts on “Dear men: Here are 5 things you can do to support your wife or girlfriend in a sexist world

    1. From the voxpopuli post in march:

      I am all for women’s rights and equality, and their right to safety, to determine their own expression of femininity, to live as they choose and to not have that dictated by a man or anyone else.

      By the same token, I am for men’s rights and equality, their right to safety, to determine their own expression of masculinity, to live as they choose and not have that dictated by a woman or anyone else.

      Of these two, which do you think most people care more about?
      To me as a man, you don’t have any say in how I choose to be one, and I don’t have any say in how you choose to live your life as a woman.

      You have no obliged duties to me. Anything you choose to do for me, I should be grateful for it.

      I have no obligation to you either. Anything I do, I do by choice, not your expectations of me. Telling us to man up? Asking us to express emotions, and then shaming us when we do? I’m out.

      Violence against women? Horrible. I detest these men.

      Here’s some names to Google, Jessica: Lavinia Woodward, Vanessa George, Jordan Worth, Moira Hyndley, Rose West, Aileen Wournos, Joanne Dennehy.
      Just a sample.

      As I say, I am all for you to live in a safer world of fair treatment and respect. Just realise it isn’t a one sided situation. If you want guys like me to get on board, then please recognise that men are not even mostly bad and perpetrators, and that women aren’t entirely good and always victims.

      We are tired of being blamed for everything

      Like

  1. Thanks for the blog entry.

    I can’t suggest anything further. All those ideas are good. I will share something, though: I read THE GUITAR MAGAZINE. An issue a few months back discussed sexism within the guitar industry, specifically the experiences of women who either work in guitar shops or shop in them. Anecdotes included women guitar store employees being ignored because male customers don’t think they have the expertise, or women being patronised by some male guitar store employees.

    It was in an issue published within the last 8-10 months, sorry I don’t have a copy that I can scan or share.

    I appreciate it would be disheartening to be a female guitar store employee, but not to be trusted with expertise. Chances are, 100% of the time, anyone, male or female, working in a guitar store is there because they LOVE guitars and play them – or have played them.

    I’m not very good at writing, so apologies if that sounds like gibberish. Hopefully I’ve made at least some of the point well.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. As a working musician, your post perfectly outlines what happens to me in a regular basis. I am vocal about it but it is ignored or I am “difficult” rather then principled. I would love find that article so thank you for naming the magazine so that I can at least contact them for a copy.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hi Emily. It’s the August 2018 issue. Maybe they do digital copies of back issues, but hopefully you’ll track down a copy. Good luck with your music playing going forward!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I noticed that when I was buying music a lot, nearly all the players on nearly all the albums I bought were male. Women were usually guest artists (particularly as backing vocalists) and the exceptions were usually string players, occasionally pianists but almost never guitarists or drummers. This holds true for both male and female artists on both sides of the Atlantic. The exceptions are, obviously, feminist artists such as the Olivia circle (Cris Williamson et al), Ferron and the Indigo Girls, though the producers (again, mostly men) do most of the hiring for the studio work. I suspect it’s a “boys’ club” and you get work through contacts, much as is the case in the stage and screen communities where if you’re not at the right bar at the right time, you don’t get the gig (tough luck if you’re a disabled actor and the bar is inaccessible).

      There are also stereotypes about what sort of instruments are “for girls” — particularly small-bodied acoustics. Then again, some big-name female artists played big acoustics (Mary Chapin Carpenter and Emmylou Harris for example). You rarely find women playing Les Paul guitars; they’re notoriously heavy, particularly those produced before Gibson introduced chambering.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Brilliant, Jessica. This should be required reading at all White Ribbon Day events. Even men with good intentions are often clueless about what they can do to help. Now they know. The good ones will be relieved and the lazy and/or selfish ones can’t claim they don’t know – specifically – how to help.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. It falls under point 5 I suppose but when men (and unfortunately a lot of women do this too) dismiss bad behaviour as just natural male behaviour it is terribly damaging. “That’s just what he’s like” “Sometimes men are insensitive” “Try to take it as a compliment” “Boys will be boys”. All these remarks were said to me at some point in the past when trying to explain how a man’s behaviour made me uncomfortable, and it gave me the impression the onus was on me to put up with the way men are because I didn’t have the right to ask them to behave better. This has dogged me in my life in ways I’m only now coming to terms with. I’m only now realising I have the right to say “not good enough, do better” to the men in my life, rather than gritting my teeth and sucking up how badly their actions have made me feel.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Some more to ponder:

      May be instructive.
      As always, I look forward to anonymous women LARPing as guys, in the comments. Hi, David Brooks!🤣 Bit sad innit?

      Like

  4. Well isn’t this just typical of feminists?
    “Women face problems! Men, what are YOU going to do to solve OUR problems?”

    Um…nothing. Solve your own problems, the way men have done since the dawn of time. Otherwise, let’s have no more of this ‘we’re your equals’ crap.

    I mean, holy jeez, a world where you actually get to earn a living peddling your useless information is a world where women possess far more privilege than they deserve. “Psychologist”? Don’t make me laugh.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It appears that you sorely misunderstand the oppression of women and girls globally.
      The majority of women and girls problems were/are caused by, legislated by, controlled by and upheld by men.

      Therefore, if men are causing the problem, men can solve the problem.

      Women can absolutely solve their OWN problems, but women are not responsible for the behaviours of men.

      Interesting how your comment spirals into personal comments about my career.

      You can read my work and publications here https://www.victimfocus.org.uk/publications

      Liked by 2 people

      1. No, actually none of womens’ problems are caused by men, and you’re a perfect case study in why modern feminism is a joke. Everything worthwhile about feminism was achieved decades ago, and do you know what that means? It means that feminism today attracts only mediocrities. All the smart, tough, capable women went off to do something with their new freedoms, leaving feminism with the sort of losers who could never make it in a STEM field anyway. And what do you losers spend all your time talking about?

        ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH YOUR INADEQUACIES ARE SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT.

        It’s like a cult with you people. “Boo hoo, I shouldn’t have to be thin, it’s men’s fault for not being attracted to my gross lazy body.” “Boo hoo, there’s not enough women on this board of directors, it’s men’s fault for competing so hard we can’t keep up.” “Boo hoo, I woke up naked next to a stranger, it’s his fault for not knowing how I’d feel when I sobered up.”

        You’re not a psychologist. You’re a huckster. You do nothing but tell other losers exactly what they want to hear, and get paid for it. And you think I misunderstand female oppression? I think YOU misunderstand the ungodly degree to which we pander, spoil, encourage, praise and glorify women who have done absolutely nothing to deserve it. Open a newspaper sometime. It never ceases to amaze me how many stories are printed every day celebrating women for doing really rather ordinary things. “Meet Sue, who makes bookmarks out of recycled diapers; her inspirational story continues on Page 2!” Every single one of you losers thinks you’re entitled to things you haven’t earned.

        And yet somehow it’s never enough. No matter how much we bend over backwards, no matter how far we lower the bar, you still can’t get over it, and you keep demanding that more allowances be made so you can have a seat at the table. Feminism spent the last century fighting for womens’ voices to be heard; and this century proving they have nothing worthwhile to say. Enough is enough. You can sit with the grownups when you earn it.

        Like

      2. What? Lol. The reply button is fine. I don’t even know how to disable the reply button on here. Is that an option?

        Everything I’ve achieved in my life is real and I’ve got the receipts to prove it so move on.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. “Women can absolutely solve their OWN problems, but women are not responsible for the behaviours of men.”

        A man is not more responsible for the behaviour of other men than any woman is.

        Like

      4. And men are not responsible for other men’s behaviour, or your problems.

        If you stopped Generalising about men, you might look less like hypocrites when you complain about them doing it.

        Then again we tend to generalise on common experience, whereas you generalise based on exceptions 😕
        This guy made a point on his video:

        Like

      5. Y’know, you probably ignore this stuff, but here’s the thing: it’s not so much for you.🐓🎠. 🐟🐱

        Isn’t Elam an old curmudgeon, though?Like an old internet grandpa. What a legend.😏

        Like

    2. I can’t actually believe how stupid you are. Don’t try and act all clever like you know what’s actually going on, clever people don’t need to try and sound clever. You’re trying and you just sound like an idiot. Can you not understand that what you’re saying is just proving the point. You haven’t evolved yet. It’s probably not even your fault, you’ll have been brought up in a society where you have to be all macho. It’s that that needs to change as well. It’s the little digs that are just as bad as everything else. So why don’t you just get a grip and try and help the cause. I hate being a man sometimes.

      Like

      1. And that is the problem. Why should you feel bad for what another man did?
        Completely different person. Do you judge all women because SOME are unpleasant.

        Your self loathing is your problem.
        Coincidentally, it won’t make these women like you or trust you the more. After all, You are a man .

        Like

      2. Good god. Try to actually address the points.

        Name calling makes you look like a childish person. Why are these guys actually wrong? Do you know? Or is it knee jerk defense of the poor ickle women. Patronising twit. We don’t need YOUR help.

        You don’t win a debate by insulting people, alone. You need to have a plausible counter argument.
        “They’re just idiots who don’t know what they’re talking about” is your typical response. Okay, so how are they wrong?

        If you won’t defend your position properly, no-one has to respect it.

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    3. Steve. How can you say “psychologist?” Don’t make me laugh”. She is blatantly a psychologist and I bet way more qualified than you are (and obviously cleverer). There we are again, thinking that just because it’s a woman they “can’t” be qualified or ‘better’ than a man. It makes me sick. You make me sick.

      Liked by 1 person

    4. Steve..
      I actually disagree with a lot of what Jessica says(see my posts elsewhere) but trying to pretend that everything is just women’s fault all the time, makes you sound unreasonable and defensive.
      It doesn’t help us to counter feminist misconceptions if we react to them, the way they do to us. Appeal to emotion, sure, but back it up with reason.

      Unfortunately, we live in a world where many feminist women tell us to open up and express what we are thinking and feeling, then tell us to grow up and stop whining when we do. It’s a trap, laid to bait you, to make you look bad. When you are feeling provoked, focus all the more coolly on your point and take your time. They want you to just react…. don’t.
      Forgive me if I sounded condescending. Not my intention.

      Most of their criticism has massive projection in it.
      You can get some good ideas from huMAN on YouTube.

      Like

      1. Oh, the negative response to sexist misandry is what justifies the sexist misandry. Thanks for the clarification.

        “Dear Women: Here’s how to support your husband or boyfriend in a misandric world”

        How’s that play in your mind?

        Like

    1. Yeah, let’s get them young, so the indoctrination takes. Yay!🤪
      👩‍👧
      “Give me the child for seven years, and I will give you the man” a quote from someone or other.

      Like

  5. Sent to my teenage sons who are lovely, kind and considerate but do think I have made up the ‘theory’ of misogyny because they just don’t see it (they can’t see the dust bunnies on their floors either!) Thank you Jessica ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I sincerely hope you’re not and never become a father – if you think boys will be messed up by their parents encouraging them to show respect for everyone.

        Like

      2. Actually, emilyleelifeandmusic, you don’t know me, and I already do 2, 3, 4 and 5 – they’re basic, obvious common courtesy and respect. If Rachelle’s sons don’t know all that already then she’s messed things up.

        It’s not the basic substance of 2, 3, 4 and 5 that are the problem. It’s the pre-amble, it’s the nonsense of point 1 and it’s the general victimy tone that is so destructive – the garbage about “microaggressions” and the statement that we live in “a society that hates her for being a woman”. WTF?!?!

        a) it’s BS

        b) if you want sons to get the powerful message from their own mother that there’s something inherently bad about their masculine essence, wow, carry on cheerleading

        FYI I asked my wife about any sexual harassment she’d ever received in her life. Even on prompting all she could think of was some whistling when she was growing up (in a non-western country). She didn’t see that as harassment.

        And if I told my teenage daughter she lives in a society that will hate her for being a woman I know that she’d roll her eyes to the max.

        But then I haven’t raised her as a victim.

        Like

  6. Well written. Thank you Jessica 👍
    As for the abusive responses to your post – it’s quite telling that (I guess neither of us expected anything else) it is no surprise they’re there in the first place.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Men are raised to take for granted that they’ll have to fight like the devil for every little thing they want. We accept this, and we rise to the challenge. Women on the other hand tend to interpret attack as abuse, never considering how this only demonstrates that they’re incapable of competing in a man’s world. Make up your mind once and for all — can you play at a man’s level? Or do you want us to go easy on you because you’re weaker? Can’t have it both ways.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You really really really don’t understand this do you?

        The point is that it shouldn’t be a man’s world where ‘man’ is the level women should be striving for.

        Think.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. No, it’s YOU who really really doesn’t understand. EXCELLENCE is the level that both men and women should be striving for. But if men are required to clear the bar, while women are allowed to duck under it, well, guess who I want running the hospital?

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Yawn, such anger, mummy issues? How unusual a hatred for women by an insecure man, what a shame your mother didn’t raise you very well to understand the art of respect.

        Like

      4. ‘We’, Steve? Really? By exactly what process did you gain authority to speak on behalf of all men?
        Now I could leave that question hanging there for a while and await the inevitable BS, but let’s save the hassle. The answer is no process and you speak for no one but yourself and your own insecurities.

        Like

    2. Abusive? One or two? Oh yes, you consider it abusive because they dared to question your point of view. One tool said **** off. Well it is the internet.
      You should see the abuse Cassie Jaye gets. Or Karen Straughan.

      As for teaching men to be accountable… projection much?
      Wasn’t there a teacher who committed statutory rape on a minor then got him to pay for the resulting child? Is that the sort of accountability you mean?

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  7. Thank you for this post, especially the section on porn. We are only just beginning to acknowledge the serious societal and personal relationship repercussions when 80% of internet searches are for porn.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. The good thing about these aggressive replies is that they’re reading (or clearly not reading) the article and still being as toxic as data proves. In some sense, it gives hope. It means that a large majority of people are just really, really, really fearful and aggressive and although that’s disappointing…it’s also hopeful. Fearful and aggressive people can construct absolutely nothing but the same dialogue, and they’re making this issue more recognisable and the ones who are recognising the experiences, absorbing data and researching for themselves how awful this culture can be are ALSO making this issue more recognised. Technically, shitty comments or supportive, this issue is getting the spotlight it so desperately needs to change it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You hear pain on both sides but only acknowledge it on yours, then expect the other side to be amenable to your concerns?

      Your shaming language is the only tactic you can think of. It is like a person who doesn’t get their own way, thinking that shouting abuse and gaslighting will change someone’s mind. Not the sort of people you want to reach.
      The irony is, by being this way you will fail to appeal to exactly the kind of men who would back you. And like it or not, you need them to reach critical mass in the culture. 50/50 male, female…you need to get SOME decent men on side. Not just the Jordan Hunts of this world.

      Like

      1. Who said anything about wanting to be appealing to men? This is about highlighting the systemic issue women face as a result of toxic masculinity that destroys men, ultimately. If there are men that read these articles and blogs and get offended, they’re the WRONG men. Period. Men who are aware of this issue, and acknowledge their privilege get it and are active in dismantling a system designed to benefit the very few and abuse the majority. People either do the research on their own with their own journey because they’re curious to learn more before bombarding the world with their “opinion” or they carry on defensively arguing with no substance, no plan and no progression. That decision is for men and women to make alone.

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      2. I think I already answered but really, if men are offended by data….what do you do with that? It’s data. It’s been gathered to prove the point that Jessica made. If the language is “shaming” that is down to the individual who feels that. Many men don’t feel shamed. They recognise it and work on it WITH women, much like I said originally. Everyone is accountable and no one is special. We’re all responsible.

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      3. That’s hilarious. My last girlfriend always used to get offended when I showed her “data” on how much of my money she was spending. And don’t get me started on the “data” I collected on how lazy and stupid she was!

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    1. Yeah absolutely it’s normal. Recent stats show around 70% of girls from about 11 have been sexually harassed
      Read the women and equalities committee report (2016)

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I was ten the first time it happened to me. I was waiting at the bus shelter near my house, very excited about seeing family who were due to arrive any minute. A man came into the bus shelter and smiled at me in a way that made me uncomfortable. (I ignored him, not knowing what else to do.) Then he squeezed my crotch, before starting to pull down his trousers. I ran. This was a quiet residential area. No one was in the street at the time, but luckily there were houses all round. I hid in a neighbour’s back garden as I didn’t want him to know exactly where I lived. It was terrifying.

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    3. Women perv at boys too, they just get less flak over it.

      There is lots of predatory female behaviour. You will never hear a feminist address it. Except to exculpate those concerned.

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    4. Emily…the wrong kind of man?

      As we are valueing the opposite gender according to our subjective opinions, where do you think that sort of comment leaves you? There are no wrong people just wrong opinions. Although I’d be interested to know what you would DO with these wrong sort of men.

      There are historical precedents for that sort of comment.

      Mysogynists are made not born.

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  9. I can agree with everything but number 1. Why is that such a problem? There are phrases that are sexist against men aswell for example “stop being a dick or a dickhead”, “he is a fuckboy”…

    Also you make it sound like women are discriminated left and right and that they can’t leave the house without being attacked in some way. That’s not true though. I very rarely come across something like that.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. What world do you live in? Rampant sexism and misogyny? Wrong. Most couples actually love, respect and support each other. No man is going to all his wife,mother,daughter sister to be treated badly. Pity same can not be said of women. Women who write how their sons are future rapist yet no women call them out on that.

    Contrary to your writings, the world, first world , is not filled with sexist mysogonists holding women down. Women make up most college classes. Women run States,cities national and international companies. If you wish to speak on women as second class citizens go to middle east, go to Africa. But no, that would mean actually doing a thing rather than just complaining about a non existent problem.
    The instances of rape,abuse are outliers yet you set that up as a societal norm. Wrong

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Who is doing the studies, Jessica?
        An impartial source, or feminist organisations? I’m sure they will be objective🙄…you know, since we started actually looking for female offenders, the gap has only been closing. Have you considered the reason we didn’t find them initially was because we made sexist assumptions in the first place, and didn’t look?

        Shall I judge all women by Joanne Dennehy, or Myra Hindley? Would that be fair? Of course not. As a psychologist you should know better, but then psychology has been infiltrated by feminist dogma.

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      2. It would be a bias, if 97-99% of all sexual and violent crimes in every single country in the world in the last 100 years weren’t committed by men and we were all just making huge assumptions.
        But guess what? They were.
        Men and women are most likely to be raped by a man.
        Men and women are most likely to be killed by a man.
        Men and women are most likely to be abused by a man.

        Maybe stop denying one of the clearest data trends in history, eh.

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      3. 🤨
        I am here more for these guys who are falling for the bait and reacting, they are very useful to you, eh? And for women who can see beyond your biases, and not treat men like dangerous animals rather than people.

        I note you didn’t address the observations.

        Just out of interest those men; what percentage of the total male population do they make up? 6%,5%,4%,3%…. shall I keep going. Predatory men repeat offend, so they impact on multiple women. A small proportion have a huge effect.

        You didn’t touch on the female psychopaths I mentioned either. I repeat, do they tell us anything about the tendencies or nature of women? I already know my view(hint:it’s not the sexist answer)🙄

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  11. Some of these comments confound me.
    What is lacking within ME when I fail to listen and notice people’s concerns in society?

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  12. We don’t fail to notice, we are sick of you pretending it’s a one way street. If anything, a misguided decent man places too much importance on a woman’s feelings instead of his own. He sacrifices his emotional health, for the sake of her emotional security, when both need to support the other. And this sacrifice is EXPECTED.

    You are telling men to open up and to say what they feel, and they are. Did you really think it would always be comfortable to hear? It certainly isn’t for us, but we DO listen to you
    I can’t change those who won’t listen to you. They don’t listen to us either.

    Stop judging us by the worst men.

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  13. This is the best “How to be a feminist ally” type articles I’ve seen (and I’ve seen a few.) As for the replies from aggrieved males, I hope for the sake of her sanity the author finds them as funny as I do. Seriously, these people are incapable of understanding an argument. They are like robots or Pavlov dogs, reacting to anything feminist by spitting out memes, youtube links and (occasionally) dumb debating points that anyone with a half a brain could see thru

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    1. And you have no arguments, to actually counter their logic.

      Just more ad hominems, and shaming language. All pointing to the fact that your views have no legitimacy. Just the same “fine for me and not for thee” mentality.

      If you are a man, David, then perhaps you should consider what all the “predator” demonising is doing to innocent boys. You are a disgrace to men.

      At least the author has actually helped young men. What have YOU done for them? I argue with feminism. I don’t hate women. And I really don’t hate Jessica Eaton. I think she is wrong on certain things.

      Now can we get this debate out of the playground, david?

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  14. Feminism claims men are inherently prone to rape.

    Abusive? Steve is a bit much. But most of it seems to be putting a different view, in large part.

    If you are convinced you are right why be so triggered by a challenge? Unless someone saying you are wrong is what you consider as abuse.

    If that’s so, then no-one can take you seriously.

    Like

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